The natural reaction after receiving news of an affair is to feel anger and rejection. A self-negotiation takes place about “why” it happened. Then the self-penetrating questions begin, such as:

• What about me wasn’t good enough for them?

• How could they throw away a 15 year relationship together for someone who doesn’t even know them?

• What do I tell the children (if applicable)?

• Why would they choose someone else when everything they needed was here?

The questions will invade your mind and add to the lack of confidence and sometimes to reflect without answers. Remember that in today’s society the grass always looks greener than the neighbor’s lawn. The perceived options of the person who had the affair are bigger in their head than the chances that the new person also has their own baggage.

They may blame you for everything you did wrong in the relationship and make you feel guilty, but in the end it is their own behavior and problem that they created. Affairs happen for a variety of reasons. An article titled, 9 Cheating Facts Couples – And Singles – Need To Know by Shana Lebowitz, on Business Insider http://www.businessinsider.com/science-of-cheating-2016-8#-1 lays out some possible reasons affairs take place. According to the studies cited, affairs can often be linked to the financial sustainability of the cheating spouse. For example, when men are the breadwinners, specifically when they earn more than 70% of the total household income, they are more likely to cheat. The timing of the birthday is also cited as a reason people cheat. The quoted article said, “Just before you hit the big 4-0 or 5-0, for example, you have a higher chance of trying to find meaning in life if you’re in a relationship with someone other than your partner.” The fact is that you can only add emotions that put you in a tailspin trying to figure out the reasons.

So what do we do when we are left to pick up the pieces? How can we move on and trust ourselves again and at the same time imagine a life with another person after our trust has been violated?

1. Realizing the affair and the choice to make that choice is entirely up to the other person. Even in couples who are deeply in love, there is an arousal or connection (fake or not) in the other. Let them live with the consequences. It’s not your problem to deal with. Don’t give them excuses. They broke the trust, not you.

2. Now you have your own options. You can decide how to live a brighter and fuller life without them. How long you carry this as your own load is something you can decide. You can decide where to spend your time, what goals you want to pursue, and who you would like to spend your time with.

3. Trust yourself enough not to immediately go out and seek revenge by sleeping with someone else. Take the time to collect your thoughts. Take time to breathe and allow stress to escape. Realize that you entered the relationship with great qualities and you will leave with the same.

4. Find some way to relieve stress like walking, exercising, reading something positive, or spending time with friends who understand you.

There is little we can do to remove the sting and rejection, but we can control our perceptions about the meaning of someone else’s affair. Now is the time to see the value in ourselves and know that we can bounce back. Over time, it will be easier to cope and life can take a turn for the better.