“Don’t pretend you’re okay, when it feels like your heart has been ripped from your body but you’re not lucky enough to die along with it.”

If you have recently been widowed, or know someone who has, you may find this letter of use quite sincere.

I was 32 years old when my husband, a police officer, was killed in the line of duty. I wrote this letter after another police officer in our city died on the job and left behind a wife, who was the same age as me. She had already been widowed for a year at the time, so this letter summarizes some of what I learned:

dear widow,

I just finished my one year contract and now it’s your turn to try. Regardless of which path you choose, you have just entered what will undoubtedly be the worst journey of your life. But for what it’s worth; Here are some tips on how NOT to grieve:

Do not underestimate the immense power of love and its inexplicable mysteries. However, do not lie to yourself about the fact of death, choosing instead to let yourself be consumed by the psychological reaction to it, which we call grievance. Do not deny yourself the experience of feeling the pain. Don’t pretend you’re okay, when it feels like your heart has been ripped from your body but you’re not lucky enough to die along with it.

Don’t get mad at idiots who whisper in your ear “be strong” and don’t worry because “you’re young”. Or that it’s GOOD that they didn’t have children together, or that their loss couldn’t be as bad as losing a child. And try not to dwell on the fact that you may not have a chance to have a child.

Don’t take it personally when those around you move on with their own lives while you sit at home, staring at the walls, kissing pictures of your dead husband and wondering what just happened. And don’t be fooled into thinking it’s your job, and your job alone, to ensure your husband’s memory is honored.

Don’t twist a religious belief to fit your wishes. If and when suicidal thoughts come, don’t give in to the monster of self-pity. Be careful about fantasizing about another guy because doing so makes you temporarily feel better about the great man you just lost. However, if a new relationship feels good to your whole heart, don’t let guilt keep you from being happy again.

And don’t let anyone tell you how long it will take to heal, but keep in mind that time passes, whether you’re healing or not. Don’t look for meaning in every greeting card and graffiti message. Don’t look to external belief systems for the answers, because the only truth that matters is within you and the relationship you shared with your husband.

love of a former widow

PS: don’t eat too many cookies.

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