In my office there are various items that reflect the great joy I find in my family; Among them are two special items. One is a figurine that one of my sons gave me years ago on Father’s Day. It carries this message: “The best dad in the world.”

The second item, a plaque given by another of my sons on another Father’s Day, reads, “A father is someone you look up to no matter how tall you are.” This gift brought a timely measure of encouragement, coming the year my eldest son surpassed me in height. (That’s when I decided, subconsciously of course, to beat him in girth. And I did.)

These particular parental possessions are very important to me for a reason that I want to share with you here. I know very well that I am not the “best father in the world”. Still, the hyperbole expressed in these gifts encourages me greatly. You see, I never would have bought those things for my dad. Neither did any of my brothers. And from what I hear, it’s less likely that my father would have made such affirmative gestures to his father. They had a very stormy relationship.

While living at home, my relationship with Dad was characterized by my general (and usually unsuccessful) attempts to please him and win his approval, always living in fear of his unpredictable outbursts of anger. His outbursts often led to verbal and physical abuse in our home. In my teenage years, I was often filled with anger (and sometimes intense hatred) towards him. We never had father and son conversations about anything that I can remember. We had father to son readings. He taught me little by instruction, but much by example. I learned from dad how not to treat a wife and children.

After I left our home in Indiana, the tension in our relationship broke. In fact, we had a very peaceful, albeit superficial, relationship. From when I left home for the Navy at 18 until he died when I was 39, the only times I saw him was when I went to visit him. It’s possible, although I honestly don’t remember any, that once or twice in all those years Dad called me on the phone. His initiation investments in our adult-to-adult relationship were minimal.

I’m sharing these things not to put my dad down, but to help them see where I’m coming from (and where I’m coming from) in addressing this topic. Based on a biblical principle in Luke 16 where a man in hell begged for a word to be sent to warn his living relatives to avoid their terrible mistake (not that I think my dad went to hell), I’m sure dad I would want him to share these things to help you claim things he didn’t do. He would want you to know that you don’t have to be like the father you had.

Of course, this is much easier said than done. (You expected that, right?)

For many years after leaving home, I operated on an unconscious agenda that I thought would work well. My vision for success in adulthood was simple: “Don’t be like Dad!”

I must warn you: it didn’t work!

That negative view of life was generated by my natural mind in my youth. Such is often the case for those who come from unsanitary homes. Fortunately, I discovered that God had a different and better vision for my life. It was a positive view rather than a negative one. Instead of living to “not be like somebody,” I discovered that God had actually called me to “be like somebody,” and that somebody is Jesus. And this vision has been driving positive change in me for over 40 years.

Please do not get me wrong. I do not arrive! I just want you to know that I’m moving in the right direction. And I say, “Follow me as I follow Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1). No matter how good or bad your father is, you have a Perfect Heavenly Father who wants to teach you how to be a better father than the father you had. And on a similar note, no matter how good or bad the pattern of marital relationships in your home may have been, you have a Lord who is a Perfect Husband for the Church, and He wants to teach you to love your wife.

For years I really thought I was a great husband because I didn’t yell or curse at my wife; and I would never hit her. Similarly, I felt that he would be a model father, if he wasn’t abusive. But that was my negative view operating. You see, with a negative vision you can’t do anything and think that you are really doing something.

If you think the kind of transformation I’m talking about comes with your baptismal certificate, think again. It actually comes through years of serious discipleship. It doesn’t happen instantly or automatically. It happens when you humble yourself to become teachable, you’re willing to pray the price, and somehow pay the price.

For those who have experienced substantial injury or child-rearing deficiencies, it often takes more than the routine “programs” of the local church to find restoration and a reasonable level of wholeness.

It would be wonderful if we could reach that level of reasonable fulfillment before getting married and having children. For many of us, that’s not an option; we have had family for a long time and may have only recently recognized our need for restoration.

Don’t give in to discouragement; Ask God to make you the man you are meant to be. So, stay humble and teachable.

You say: “It is too late; my children are grown and gone!” No, dear friend, it is not too late! Accept God’s will and continue to become the man He wants you to be, which includes refining your role as a parent.

We continue to be parents even after our children become moms or dads. No, they don’t want us trying to run their lives (and neither does God, by the way). But they still need our mature love. And even our adult children can be blessed by the newness brought into our lives through the sanctifying work of God’s Spirit.

Finally, don’t get caught up in resentment and bitterness toward a parent who abandoned or abused you. Invite God to help you resolve your pain and come to the place of forgiveness. Ask God to reveal to you the difference between your carnal compensations for your father’s failures and God’s holy will for your life as a father. What do I mean by “carnal compensations for your father’s failures”? Maybe your dad was abusive in disciplining him. Carnal compensation could lead him to not use any effective discipline in an attempt to be a good friend to his children instead of a good father. Maybe your dad didn’t stand up to your mom when she was clearly out of it. Carnal compensation could lead to you being in your wife’s face all the time, making you the one she is clearly out of place for.

Finally, please invite God to guide you. Commit to follow. Embrace all the resources He gives you. Then you can become the dad you never had.