Finding out that someone you’re in a committed relationship with is cheating on you can be devastating. You are caught in a whirlwind of fears and emotions. How should you handle this situation? As usual, I have an unorthodox approach.
Have you ever seen the show “Cheaters”? I used to consider it a guilty pleasure until I realized that it contained a huge amount of knowledge for someone like me. “Cheaters” follows a “suspect” when his partner thinks he may be cheating. After gathering enough video evidence, the cheater is confronted on the spot by the suspected cheater, the host, and a television crew consisting of multiple cameras and heavy security. This can be in a bar, nightclub, restaurant, hotel room, parked car, etc.
After watching the show for many months, I began to notice a pattern. During the confrontation, one of three scenarios will usually take place. About 80% of the time, the cheater has the opposite reaction to her partner. This means that if the cheated is upset and emotional, he makes comments like “How could you?” “I gave you everything you wanted”, the cheater has an attitude, often gets angry, and sometimes runs away. Usually the person they have been cheating with had no idea that they were involved in a triangle. It also works the other way around, in that if the cheater says, “That’s it. It’s over. I’m done,” the cheater usually responds, “I’m sorry. I love you. Let’s work it out.” The other 20% of the time, both parties agree: either they both want to stay together or they both say they’re done.
From this pattern, I think it’s easy to see that when faced with a cheating partner, you should remain as calm as possible. This is much easier to do if you don’t catch them in the act, but find out when they aren’t around. Resist the urge to call them right away and demand an explanation. Don’t contact them until you’ve calmed down and decided exactly what you’re going to do. This can range from a day (wait a minimum of 24 hours) to a week or more.
I once found out through a third party that a guy I was dating was cheating on me. This was the second time I had caught him, so while my emotional side didn’t want to let go, intellectually, I knew it had to end forever. We had a disagreement the day before he found out about it, so we didn’t speak to each other for about 10 days. At that time, he was walking like a zombie, feeling very weak, not wanting to eat. He was grieving the loss of the relationship.
When he finally showed up at my door, it was over. He tried to claim that the person was a friend, but I didn’t believe him. He was very quiet and I went about my business in the kitchen while he stood there trying to lie out of there. After a few minutes, I waved my hand and said, “Go away. I’m busy.” His response, “See you later.” Me: No, you won’t. Him: So he’s done? I do!
What happens if you catch your partner in the act? My suggestion is that you say and do nothing. Just look them in the eye, expressionless, then turn around and walk away. I know that 99% of you reading this won’t be able to do it, but if you really want to know the truth, you have to let them show you what it is, whether through their actions or not. Losing control by screaming and causing a scene is never attractive, even if you feel justified. Put yourself in their shoes. If you were the one caught cheating, what reaction would shock you the most? Which reaction would you respect more?
When you freak out, you’re actually trying to intimidate and manipulate your partner into reacting to you in a way that reassures you that they still care about you. You are like a child who throws a tantrum to get attention that you feel you are not getting. You’re also giving his ego a huge boost. Your actions are saying: You are so important to me that I am willing to lose control and temporarily act crazy. You have so much power over me. Is that really the message you want to send?
That’s why not saying anything and walking away is a better reaction. As we learned from “cheaters,” they’re more likely to apologize and want to fix things (if that’s what you want) if you keep your cool. By not having to defend themselves against your tirade, you give them the space to get in touch with their true feelings for you and your relationship. Not to mention the fact that his respect for you will increase immensely as it takes strength to walk away. We all want to be with someone emotionally strong.
Even if they ran after you and begged to talk to you, now is not the time to talk. You have to get over the shock of your discovery and they need to think about what they’ve done. Now he needs to be “incommunicado”. The reason for this is that when people think they have lost someone who was important to them, their true feelings come out. He’s the old, “You don’t know what you got until it’s gone.” If they care, they will do whatever it takes to get you back. If they don’t, they won’t and you’ll be better off without them. Don’t take their calls or answer the door until you’re convinced they’re ready to be honest. Leave them wondering for at least a week or two.
If it turns out that your partner had already moved, but forgot to tell you, at least you leave with your dignity, if you don’t freak out. Why give them proof that his decision to leave was correct, acting like a psychopath? If you cause a scene, you will always be in the hall of shame of your relationship. If you walk away with your head held high, you will always be in the hall of fame of your relationship.