Sometimes I hear from wives who feel they haven’t fully healed since their husband’s affair. This may be true regardless of whether or not they stayed with their husband. Often, no matter what has happened or how long it’s been, they still feel like they haven’t let go or moved on.

I heard from a wife who said, “My husband had an affair three years ago. We are still together. Our marriage has mostly recovered. I know for a fact that the other woman is out of the picture. I think my husband is sorry.” All the conditions I demanded of my husband have been met. I have almost got my life back. My marriage is intact. My family is united. So why don’t I feel triumphant? Will I be able to move on completely? I find myself harboring anger towards my husband for things unrelated to this. If he does one little thing wrong, I’ll think about it in my own mind even if I don’t bring it up. It’s like I’m adding one more little slip to the long list in my head I don’t want to feel this way about my husband. But I can’t forget what he did. I want to wake up one day and stop thinking about this. I want to move on completely. I want this to just go away from my life. Why hasn’t this happened? still? I’ll try to address r these concerns in the next article.

Is there a part of you that doesn’t want to let go or doesn’t want to give up the edge? I am going to warn you that some of the things I am about to say may pressure you or put you on the defensive. I promise you that is not my intention. I’m saying things that may be hard to hear because what I really want, more than anything, is to help you get through this so you can feel unfettered joy for the rest of your life. I’ve been there and I know you don’t deserve (or want) to live this way. So the things I am going to say are difficult, but I feel they are necessary.

My first question (again, from experience) is whether somewhere in the background you want to keep the lead. I know this was the case for me. Letting go means that you no longer have the crutch of their deception when you argue. You no longer have the trump card that allows you to put this on his face. That means if you make a mistake, you should own up to it and get paid instead of drawing your trump card, which can be so easy and habit forming. It’s addictive when you have the upper hand.

But at the same time, it keeps you stuck. He keeps the anger churning and bubbling. And when there is so much inner turmoil, it is almost impossible to move on.

Have you regained your life outside of your marriage?: This is another difficult question to ask. And I am in no way asking in an accusatory or condescending manner. I ask out of concern. I know from experience that sometimes you can’t or can’t move on because you feel like you haven’t been able to replace what was lost. Therefore, you have an underlying resentment that you have not yet been healed. But the thing is, sometimes only you can truly feel whole. Other people may disappoint you, misunderstand you, or simply be unable to provide you with what you need. But you have the power to do all these things for yourself.

Courage is needed. It takes drive and it requires you to get out of your comfort zone and come out into the light. But I realize that, many times, we have not been healed by fear or isolation. We feel comfortable in the dark. We do not seek or demand what we are afraid to admit we really want.

Take a minute and sit down and list who you were and what you enjoyed before the adventure. Now do the same with the here and now. Many times, you will find that you have stopped or slowed down things that you used to enjoy that have nothing to do with your husband, your marriage, or even the affair. You can blame these changes on the adventure, but really, the only person who can bring you back to life is you.

This wife admitted that her husband had done everything that was asked of him. He was sincere and was trying very hard to make things right again. She had shown her love and commitment to her repeatedly. And yet she still hadn’t been able to move on. So it was time to take inventory and find out where the resentment was coming from. A lot of times, it comes from the fact that you haven’t picked up all the pieces of your life yet.

Infidelity can bring out our fears and insecurities. And this is unfair and not our fault. But all we have control of is today. Now is the time to take control and take back your life. The time is now. You deserve to live your best life. None of this is your fault, but you have to take the lead and be your own best advocate.